HAIR!
After months of losing hair, where I wasn't already hairless, I suddenly realize that I'm growing hair. It was first noticable around the first of June. Fine, pale baby hair at first, but a definate promise that baldness would not be permanent. Another week or two passed and, with my arm in the afternoon sunlight, I saw millimeter long hair everywhere.
I suppose everyone is thrilled when they see the first signs of hair re-growth. Female and child baldness is the signature of cancer. Banish bald! Grow hair and look healthy. Will I want my new hair kept short or will I let it grow and grow? Will it be exactly like before, as my oncologists says, or will it be quite different, as the chemo nurses have reported?
This Tuesday is my LAST SCHEDULED CHEMO, a day I've long happily anticipated, of course. This third of three chemo drugs has not been nearly as diffcult as the earlier ones but even it makes me sick for a day or two and fatigued for days afterward. Not sure how I'll react to the radiation therapy which comes next, but I am ready to get past this phase.
Reaching this milestone has me thinking about what it will be like to complete the chemo and radiation. Will I feel like I'm living my normal life again? Will I have a nagging, dark worry always with me? Will the worry hit only now and then in dark moods? Or will it hit any time I have an illness or an unfamiliar pain?
Will it be possible to forget about it? The fact I'll have another daily pill will be a constant reminder, I suppose. My goal will be to forget about it. I'll concentrate on building back my strength and endurance, eating a better-than-ever healthy diet, winning those treasured not guilty verdicts and remembering to treasure the life I have and the people I love.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
it's not patrick: I am disappointed that I have not kept up with reg...
it's not patrick: I am disappointed that I have not kept up with reg...: I am disappointed that I have not kept up with regular posts to this blog. I'll try again. My "treatment" has proceeded as p...
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I am disappointed that I have not kept up with regular posts to this blog. I'll try again.
My "treatment" has proceeded as planned -- every other week administrations of chemo, three different drugs, each of which is given 4 times. The first drug, which cancer patients commonly call "the red devil," was the worst. I had far more nausea and body pain with it than with drug number two, taxol. Normally, I've taken treatments on Mondays. The day following has not been too bad, but then I have 4 to 5 days during which I am very sick and can do very little. I miss 3 or 4 days of work and stay in bed almost the entire time. The every other week schedule means that, by the time I'm feeling fairly well and somewhat approaching normal, it's time to go back for another poisoning. Not fun, but necessary, I have to keep reminding myself. I'm taking the third drug now and have 3 more administrations to go. Then, I'll have 6 weeks of daily radiation therapy (5 days a week).
As this has gone on, I have increasing difficulty with diminishing strength and endurance. I was not in great physical condition when this began, but I was not weak compared to most women my age. Not so now. My ability to do even minor work is practically gone. I have to take frequent breaks. I'm strictly the assistant on any job -- the one who holds the screws and hands them to the one doing the work! I am concerned about how long it will take for me to get back in shape when this is over. I'd rather have my strength and endurance than my hair, so I've asked my body to put emphasis on building strength, not growing hair!
Some people have kindly told me I'm "brave" as I'm going through this process. I can't comprehend it that way. It is simply necessary to enhance the likelihood that I will not get metastatic cancer later. Comparing my experience to that of others convinces me I've been fortunate. Many people are much sicker. Some are unable to work at all during their chemo. Some of the side-effects are quite nasty -- open, bleeding mouth sores, digestive system "difficulty," and other things I have not experienced. I try to remember to be grateful for all the good days I have during this ordeal.
I have health insurance through my work for the State of Florida, and there has been no difficulty getting the treatments I need. The costs to the insurance company have been astonishing and continue to rise. I try not to think about what happens to people with such a disease who are not insured. You can't get chemotherapy at the ER. Would an uninsured person be able to find anyone to treat them? The costs of the drugs alone is daunting. I get an injection 24 hours after each treatment which boosts production of white blood cells, which are wiped out by the chemotherapy drugs. The insurance is billed over $5000 for each of those injections. (Without the insurance contract discount, the cost would be even higher.) Because of the injections, my white blood cell count has remained relatively high. I haven't caught any diseases so it seems to have worked. Imagine the costs of just that drug. Twelve injections at even $5000 each is $60,000. Can an uninsured person pay for that drug? If, and that is a big IF, an uninsured person could get chemotherapy, would they also be able to get these injections? If not, they would major problems with immunity. Infectious disease would be a strong likelihood. ER visits and hospitalizations would surely follow and could be even more expensive, not to mention potentially life-threatening. It is so very fortunate for me that I did not decide to go into private practice, but have staying with my job as an assistant public defender, paid by the State of Florida and a part state's group insurance. I am lucky again.
My "treatment" has proceeded as planned -- every other week administrations of chemo, three different drugs, each of which is given 4 times. The first drug, which cancer patients commonly call "the red devil," was the worst. I had far more nausea and body pain with it than with drug number two, taxol. Normally, I've taken treatments on Mondays. The day following has not been too bad, but then I have 4 to 5 days during which I am very sick and can do very little. I miss 3 or 4 days of work and stay in bed almost the entire time. The every other week schedule means that, by the time I'm feeling fairly well and somewhat approaching normal, it's time to go back for another poisoning. Not fun, but necessary, I have to keep reminding myself. I'm taking the third drug now and have 3 more administrations to go. Then, I'll have 6 weeks of daily radiation therapy (5 days a week).
As this has gone on, I have increasing difficulty with diminishing strength and endurance. I was not in great physical condition when this began, but I was not weak compared to most women my age. Not so now. My ability to do even minor work is practically gone. I have to take frequent breaks. I'm strictly the assistant on any job -- the one who holds the screws and hands them to the one doing the work! I am concerned about how long it will take for me to get back in shape when this is over. I'd rather have my strength and endurance than my hair, so I've asked my body to put emphasis on building strength, not growing hair!
Some people have kindly told me I'm "brave" as I'm going through this process. I can't comprehend it that way. It is simply necessary to enhance the likelihood that I will not get metastatic cancer later. Comparing my experience to that of others convinces me I've been fortunate. Many people are much sicker. Some are unable to work at all during their chemo. Some of the side-effects are quite nasty -- open, bleeding mouth sores, digestive system "difficulty," and other things I have not experienced. I try to remember to be grateful for all the good days I have during this ordeal.
I have health insurance through my work for the State of Florida, and there has been no difficulty getting the treatments I need. The costs to the insurance company have been astonishing and continue to rise. I try not to think about what happens to people with such a disease who are not insured. You can't get chemotherapy at the ER. Would an uninsured person be able to find anyone to treat them? The costs of the drugs alone is daunting. I get an injection 24 hours after each treatment which boosts production of white blood cells, which are wiped out by the chemotherapy drugs. The insurance is billed over $5000 for each of those injections. (Without the insurance contract discount, the cost would be even higher.) Because of the injections, my white blood cell count has remained relatively high. I haven't caught any diseases so it seems to have worked. Imagine the costs of just that drug. Twelve injections at even $5000 each is $60,000. Can an uninsured person pay for that drug? If, and that is a big IF, an uninsured person could get chemotherapy, would they also be able to get these injections? If not, they would major problems with immunity. Infectious disease would be a strong likelihood. ER visits and hospitalizations would surely follow and could be even more expensive, not to mention potentially life-threatening. It is so very fortunate for me that I did not decide to go into private practice, but have staying with my job as an assistant public defender, paid by the State of Florida and a part state's group insurance. I am lucky again.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Thursday January 10, I received the first of 12 planned chemo treatments. It is a weird and uncomfortable mental process to realize that you are going to submit yourself to regular poisonings. I am trying to think of it like the surgery -- a necessary requirement, no questions to be asked, no looking back. Clearly, the statistics show that a person with my type of cancer has a far better chance of not getting metastatic disease when radiation, chemotherapy and hormonal therapy are all used in addition to surgery. It is, as the saying goes, "a no-brainer."
I was happy to learn that each patient has a particular nurse who will consistently work the case. "My" nurse was formerly a legal assistant for several years. She worked for two of the large personal injury law firms in Pensacola and her daughter is in law school. I think the office paired us intentionally.
Of course, I was worried about the nausea that I've always associated with chemotherapy. My oncologist and others familiar with cancer treatment have been encouraging, suggesting that I wouldn't have any problems. There were two separate anti-nausea medications given prior to the active drug, along with two prescription pills to be taken starting the next day. Chris and I were both hungry, so we stopped on the way home to buy sandwiches and pick up the pills.
After the approximately 2-hour process, I felt fine, but sleepy, so I retired to bed after eating my sandwich. When I stirred a few hours later, I ached all over. My head hurt, my back hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt. Yuck. I took 2 acetominephen and tried to go back to sleep. However, I did not feel nauseated! By Friday morning, the aching was much reduced. I got up and went to work. I took a precautionary anti-nausea pill in the morning, but felt fine all day. Great, I thought. Those anti-nausea medications really are wonderful.
By Friday evening, I was a bit tired. I went to sleep early only to wake up a few hours later feeling very sick with nausea. I took another anti-nausea pill and hoped to keep it down long enough for it to work. Saturday was a blur of aching, nausea, pills, sipping water and ginger tea, and trying to sleep between bouts of very uncomfortable nausea. Sunday started just as bad, but the nausea eased a bit through the day (I even watched some football, which is not the highest priority for me.) Finally, on Monday morning, I felt OK again. Not entirely normal, but OK. I'll take it -- with gratitude.
.
I was happy to learn that each patient has a particular nurse who will consistently work the case. "My" nurse was formerly a legal assistant for several years. She worked for two of the large personal injury law firms in Pensacola and her daughter is in law school. I think the office paired us intentionally.
Of course, I was worried about the nausea that I've always associated with chemotherapy. My oncologist and others familiar with cancer treatment have been encouraging, suggesting that I wouldn't have any problems. There were two separate anti-nausea medications given prior to the active drug, along with two prescription pills to be taken starting the next day. Chris and I were both hungry, so we stopped on the way home to buy sandwiches and pick up the pills.
After the approximately 2-hour process, I felt fine, but sleepy, so I retired to bed after eating my sandwich. When I stirred a few hours later, I ached all over. My head hurt, my back hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt. Yuck. I took 2 acetominephen and tried to go back to sleep. However, I did not feel nauseated! By Friday morning, the aching was much reduced. I got up and went to work. I took a precautionary anti-nausea pill in the morning, but felt fine all day. Great, I thought. Those anti-nausea medications really are wonderful.
By Friday evening, I was a bit tired. I went to sleep early only to wake up a few hours later feeling very sick with nausea. I took another anti-nausea pill and hoped to keep it down long enough for it to work. Saturday was a blur of aching, nausea, pills, sipping water and ginger tea, and trying to sleep between bouts of very uncomfortable nausea. Sunday started just as bad, but the nausea eased a bit through the day (I even watched some football, which is not the highest priority for me.) Finally, on Monday morning, I felt OK again. Not entirely normal, but OK. I'll take it -- with gratitude.
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